6 Signs of A Toxic Relationship

I have been collecting materials for my social studies through different dating sites for almost past seven years. Though there are many topics that attracts me, but somehow LGBT issue is extremely close to my heart. During course of  my interaction with the people of that community I have noticed the depression level of these people are extremely high, basically they are desperately seeking someone who would sit and listen to them without any inhibition. In my quest I don't know when I became the ears and heart they were seeking for and start to share their pain and providing informal free counseling to the members of LGBT+ community that I meet through these sites. Though I am not a qualified psychologist, that's why my capacity is really limited. Basically as a Social Work student I have studied counseling as two exclusive papers. However, that knowledge doesn't qualify me as a counselor. Therefore I generally offer them my absolute non-judgmental ears and heart. My experience says all these people are looking for a person who would listen to them with great compassion and for them I just try to be that compassionate person only.

After that prolong introduction I am getting into the main topic. Any kind of relationship breakup is a traumatic experience and different people express that trauma differently. Now think about those people who just can't express that feelings at all and they just have to suppress that by any mean. Yes, most of the LGBT+ community members are doing the same. They are hiding their wound silently in fear of social ostracization. Because, if they express then they don't know how much they have to endure from this homophobic society?

Though I can't prevent breakup, however according to my observation the reason behind many breakups is toxic union of unfortunate promises and impossible expectation. Now, I would prefer to clarify one basic truth at the very beginning, that is - my experience is absolutely based on my personal observation. I am not saying all these types of relationships are 'toxic' and above all I am not talking about 'exception'. Therefore, it's not about few success stories of LGBT+ bonding where the couples are living happily with each other. In fact, it's about those vast majority who are in crisis. Truth is, breakup is inevitable in any kind of relationships. However, in this blog I have tried to discuss some tell tell signs which clearly indicate the toxicity level of relationship. Basically, my personal observation says - these kind of relationships are more toxic than others. Why so? 

Well, to support my opinion I have identified following six reasons:

1. Your Partner Is Looking Partner of Opposite Sex: Yes! That's absolutely true! Because, nobody prefers to live in a hostile environment and nobody wants to be a part of minority groups. Evolutionary wiring processes has wired our mind to become a part of majority, because even most dumb animals know the fact that there is "safety in numbers", that's why they move in herds. At the same time everyone wants a devoted and faithful partner. Hence, you can't have that partner of your dream when you are most possibly just an 'experience' for him (or her).

2. Your Partner Already In A Steady Relationship: I have noticed many married individuals are scouting online for that particular kind of 'experience'. Now, just because they are scouting online dating sites that do not make them less 'real' than those who are out there and shouting for LGBT+ rights. On the contrary, these types of people can cause more damage then 'open' people due to their perfect camouflage. Because, they are not honest enough to admit the fact that they are looking for an 'experience' only. Instead of that they ask for full fledged relationships, love, attention, intimacy, faithfulness and these expectations are going to cause all the pain in your life when you will get over initial 'honeymoon period' of your relationship. You're destined to be in misery when you're with someone who wants all the 'goods' of both worlds.

3. Often They Would Easily Blend Into Society Without Any Second Thought: Your partner can easily blend into the society unlike you as per demand of society; because they fulfill all the conditions of the society very well and they pretty much enjoy that social status unlike you. I have seen many homosexuals, callously hanging around with their partners just like a sidekick and enjoying the entire scenario as an illusion of 'love' while their partners maintaining that relationship secretly. Basically, it's a form of '100% safe adultery' where your partner would not going to be noticed by the society and thus they can explore their sexuality pretty safely without any social stigma.

4. Your Partner Is Fulfilling The Threesome Desire of His/Her Steady Partner: In many occasions men and women worldwide join these sites to fulfill the threesome desire of their  partners. Most mature people out of them mentions their intentions and don't disturb unwilling people unnecessarily. However, there are few young people as well who don't mention that purposefully. Basically, these kind of people are really small in numbers and I think they have very low self esteem and they just can't wait to be on the 'good list' of their male/female counterparts.

I can remember particular one incident where the girl I know narrowly escaped a rape situation by sheer luck and presence of mind. She was lured by a woman at her flat. After arriving the spot she realized she is trapped and isolated. However, she managed to escape the bedroom and locked herself inside bathrooms, from there she called her friends and they came at the spot to rescue her. She could not call police because perpetrators threatened her to expose her sexual orientation and that bloody Article 377 was very much present then. However, her friends arrived at the spot on right time and rescued her. That was an isolated incident but full of 'red flags' which was ignored right from the beginning.

5. Your Partner Is Extremely Cautious About His/Her Social Image: Your partner is extremely cautious about his/her social image. Many don't want to be seen with tomboys, butches or feminine men. Basically these type of people maintain dual slates; one for themselves and another for society. The second one is as clean as Autumn sky. Generally they hide their sexual orientation so desperately that make them kind of paranoid. Your partner is not even ready to introduce you as friend on Facebook (let alone friends and family) as if your sexual orientation is written on your face. I am sure nobody would like to be treated as a 'forbidden activity'. You don't want to be with someone who is basically ashamed of your presence.

6. Most Probably They Would Not Choose You Over Their Family and Society: If any of the one above-mentioned point is applicable in your relationship then no matter how hard you try, most probably your partner would never choose you over his/her family and society. The reason is clearly mentioned on first point itself. I can remember particular one incident where someone clearly stated that - "As long as it's about physical relation I am okay with you, but whenever its come to spending life together then definitely I would settle with someone who is 'normal' like me. I want a 'normal' life with baby and hubby."

I am not against homosexual relationships. Here my only advice for the member of LGBT+ community is "Please don't promise something that you can't fulfill and never expect something that possibly you would ever get". These are the clear toxic signs of any LGBT+ relationship that needed to be addressed at the beginning of the relationship in order to avoid heartbreak.

I would love to know your point of view on that topic. Please mail your response to mahua.biswas83@gmail.com or Tweet me @biswas_mahua.

Please like our Facebook Page Smiling Rainbow LGBTQ Helpline and join our Facebook Group Smiling Rainbow LGBTQ Helpline for 24/7 free counselling and refer your those near and dear ones who are battling against depression.

Stay blessed and happy!